The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.