The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.