The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.