I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

I know everything because I know nothing.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!