When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.