Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

When you're doing a radio show, you can express yourself.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.