Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.