I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?