People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.