I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?