I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

Welfare is monetary methadone.