I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.