California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.