I think the reason I don't read is because, when I'm reading, I feel like I'm missing out on something else. You know, What are my friends doing? Where's my girlfriend?

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don't notice they're getting made fun of. So they'll say something back that's not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.

The only reason I got into stand-up was because my brother told me to. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I was 17 and my brother went to a comedy club and he said - you can do that.

I'm in a mood, Dave. A bad mood, a very bad mood! I was fired from my ice cream truck job today! No more Fudgicles!

When I do stand-up shows at colleges, girls will talk to me after the show, and that always feels good. I like talking to them.

I don't like being out in public too much. I don't like going to bars. I don't like doing celebrity stuff.