If a girl breaks up with me, I want her to just die, just be dead. Not 'cause I hate her so much as it's just easier for when my friends go, 'Hey, what happened?' 'Oh, she's dead. I'd still be with her, but she's dead. What can I do? She was loving me, but she's dead.'

Sixth grade was a big time, in my childhood, of hoops and friendship, and coming up with funny things.

Now that I'm a parent, I understand why my father was in a bad mood a lot.

Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!

I'm filthy rich! It's good to be Adam Sandler!

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

My mother says to me, when I'm making a new movie, she says, "Oh, is Steve Buscemi in it?" I'd say, "Yeah." And she, "Oh, then it's going to be a good one." I swear to God, she says that every time. And when I say Steve's not in it, she says, "Oh."