If a girl breaks up with me, I want her to just die, just be dead. Not 'cause I hate her so much as it's just easier for when my friends go, 'Hey, what happened?' 'Oh, she's dead. I'd still be with her, but she's dead. What can I do? She was loving me, but she's dead.'

My mother says to me, when I'm making a new movie, she says, "Oh, is Steve Buscemi in it?" I'd say, "Yeah." And she, "Oh, then it's going to be a good one." I swear to God, she says that every time. And when I say Steve's not in it, she says, "Oh."

A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I've always worked hard.

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That's a lot of coloring when you think about it.

I like sitting and writing with my buddies.

My kids don't have a trust fund, they have a debt fund. And when I die, they're $4 million in the hole.

It's important I surround myself with people who make me happy.