Some of us will never ever find true love. Take, for instance me. And I'm pretty sure that guy right there. And that lady with the sideburns. And basically everybody at table nine.

I've always just had troubles with my family because I'm psychotic. It had nothing to do with that.

I've always liked older ladies. I'm comfortable with it. They seem to be nice. They've seen it all.

When I do stand-up shows at colleges, girls will talk to me after the show, and that always feels good. I like talking to them.

When the kids are laughing in the audience, I tear up, I'm so happy I did a nice thing.

Sitting in a room being forced to listen to 'The Chanukah Song' over and over." [on his idea of Hell]

I'm 31 now. I think I'm beginning to understand what life is, what romance is, and what a relationship means.