Now that I'm a parent, I understand why my father was in a bad mood a lot.

I'm 31 now. I think I'm beginning to understand what life is, what romance is, and what a relationship means.

Sitting in a room being forced to listen to 'The Chanukah Song' over and over." [on his idea of Hell]

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.

One night I couldn't sleep. It was like 2:00 in the morning. I was thinking, 'What can I do?' I'm watching TV. I'm like, 'Let me do something else.' I'm not going to fall asleep for a few hours. What are my hobbies? There was the masturbation option. I skipped that because just knowing my kids are down the hall I felt psychotic. So, I went with watching more TV. I couldn't come up with anything. I was going, 'God, read a book.' Then I was like this, 'Where do I keep the books?' I've got nothing to do but watch TV.

I sang a song at my sister's wedding. My mother forced me into that, too. But that one felt all right.