The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.