Andy Borowitz Quotes

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

Didn't we settle contraception & affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.

White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak's sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative's identity, according to a story published today in "Duh" magazine.

A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.

Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

NHPrimary Trivia: The Republican candidates have not spoken to a black person since Herman Cain dropped out.

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"

Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.

I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.

Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.