If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
Andy BorowitzThe real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.
Andy BorowitzNow that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
Andy BorowitzThe hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
Andy Borowitz