Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.
Andy BorowitzIf Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.
Andy BorowitzLet's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.
Andy BorowitzNow that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.
Andy Borowitz