Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them