Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

It only cost Mitt Romney $76.6 million to defeat a serial adulterer and a mental patient in a sweater vest.