Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.

I make the modest proposal that psychiatric care should be as easy to get as bullets at Wal-Mart.

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.