Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don't really know.

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.