Andy Borowitz Quotes

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.

To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.