I've learned... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

Women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.

It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.

In the United States alone, we spend seven times as much on war as on education. There's something wrong there. On this Memorial Day, we should certainly honor those who have died at war, but we should dedicate this day, not so much to their memory, but to the search for a way to end the idiocy of the wars that killed them.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More