My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

Everyone hates war, everyone says.

I did not believe in the war. I thought it was wrong to go into any war. And I got to the war, and saw the Germans, and I changed my mind. I decided we were right going into World War II.

You can't be a good writer without being a good thinker.