I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.

Once you pass forty, a dime isn't worth bending over to pick up if you drop one.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.

We've sent a man to the moon and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week but for some reason nobody's ever done it.