One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.

There is obviously a great human need for religion because life seems to be such a mystery.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Soap, like people, shouldn't smell like anything.

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.