When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

I've learned... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.

It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.