It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!

Where some people may see loving grandparents, I see a pair of feckless boobs who can't drive, take way too long to shop, and don't even have the most basic grasps on the new technology. As a staunch supporter of the principles of Darwinism, I think that advances in modern medicine are starting to overrule the survival of the fittest, and it's to our [youngers'] detriment.

Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.