Sooner or later the world will have to return to the good old days when we fought wars and killed people the old-fashioned way, one at a time.

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'

I think Dan [Rather] is transparently liberal. Now he may not like to hear me say that. I always agree with him, too. But I think he should be more careful.

Before a kid learns how to use a computer that can solve mathematical problems, he or she should know how to do arithmetic without a computer.

If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.

Most of the people in the world are good and decent if you give them a chance to be.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.