Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Flying is always an unpleasant experience. You wait an hour for every ten minutes you actually spend getting anywhere.

Women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

You're better off missing a bus or an airplane once in a while than you are getting there too early all the time.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

If you do see me in a restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.