I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of lonliness. We need each other and we need to get away from each other. We need proximity and distance, conversation and silence. We almost always get more of each than we want at any one time.

A great many people do not have the right to their own opinion because they don't know what they are talking about.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.

There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.