Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.

Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.