Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's.

I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.