The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.
I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.
It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.
A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.
If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.
I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.