The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.