I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.