I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.