You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.