I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.