I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once youre laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what Im saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.