I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.