I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.