I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.