Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.