Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.