It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.