Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it's funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something's funny and you're the subject of it, sometimes it's more offensive. If someone's insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.