It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.