When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing, I think it's gross. And, by the way, it's gross when 99% of straight people do it, too.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.