When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.