Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.