Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.