The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut.

When political correctness first started coming around, it ruined Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy's stand-up career. Sam Kinison died at just the right time, 'cause no one was going to tolerate what he was saying anymore either.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.

Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do.

It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.