Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason... now I have a reason.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

I never yell, I never tell, but I'm grateful as hell.

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: 'Oh well,' and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be.